Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
