Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
