you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
