I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
