Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
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