I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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