if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
