I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
