I wish I could teleport
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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