I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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