I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
