Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just pynch a tree in the face
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
