True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
