you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Randomize
