His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
