I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
