My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
