Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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