you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
