The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
