You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
