so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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