she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
