He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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