A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There's always time for handjobs
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
