I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
