He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
