totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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