Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
