is your mom at the bar?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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