my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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