I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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