how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
