I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
