So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Randomize
