I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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