i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
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