Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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