Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
