You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
