i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
