I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
