i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
