Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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