i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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