when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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