My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
