Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
How does one acquire holy water?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
