the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
