She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
